Below is a journal entry…the first of many ‘Glimpses of God’….what began to happen while moving through divorce, after 20 years of marriage…facing into and falling through the unworkability, fear, anguish and hopelessness of my life…and then miraculously opening into a realm of unfathomable Love. It changed everything…it began me on this never ending unfolding discovery of the Self that is forever present.
And now, yes even today, ‘again and again, I come to this lonely place…groping and grasping…fear and lament’. And it is here, in this place, yet again, humble and defeated, weary from my travels, that I fall to my knees…that I may pour myself out and open my heart to the Divine which is ever present and only desires to inform, heal, and Live through me…as Love.
This I share this with you, my dear friends…that you turn your attention to the stirrings deep within your own heart, beyond the ‘noise’ of the world of which we are all apart…You are created from Love, to be Loved and to extend Love into the hearts of many. Let not mere words be held and cataloged within the limited mind, but rather allow them to join with You in recognizing the Truth of who you are and whose you are.
12/18/10– Driving in Costa Rica, on a long and desolate dirt road, potholes and cracks, creeping along at nearly a walking pace…I felt like I had arrived at the end of my world. My heart was broken, loneliness unbearable, and full of fear. I was in the question: What is Love…I don’t understand it…I don’t understand it!
I was actually praying about love…More accurately, I was totally distraught; begging and pleading for God to help me understand… ‘what is love…what is love…what is love!!!’ I cried and screamed…everything that was in me…gaining full force…tearing through and pulling at and releasing everything of my wretchedness…as though literally throwing myself to the ground in complete and utter surrender…
And then it happened: suddenly as if a switch had been thrown…images began to appear, one…then another…a cascade of faces came into view, seemingly from nowhere…right in front of me…first one and then more and more, recognized as having some part in my life’s journey. And as they appeared, as if a mirage, one by one, they moved closer and closer, and as if a wave of energy, I felt an incredible warmth, a fullness, a knowingness, a peace. And then the first entered into me, as if a blanket of pure peace. And as one would enter and fill me, another would appear, and the process repeated itself, over and over. This depth of fullness of the energy that filled me, I cannot adequately translate into words, and yet I share with you that all traces of fear and brokenness were gone. One face, then another…and on and on it went…every person that I ever Knew…the experience of perfect Love and holding.
It was perfectly clear…not in the mind, but rather as an embodied Knowingness. The peace and joy that I experienced was immense, as the embodiment of Love itself…and the Truth that we are all that! Below the surface of limited perception a new vista of wholeness, connectedness, of loving essence as a lived experience…and what I felt in every cell in the body and mind, a wholeness and Oneness. The anguish of separateness gone…and fully present a Knowing that we are all the offspring of Source Divine.
Until that moment I had been searching in vain, all my life, not understanding or tasting the happiness for which, I longed…that was always present but was missed in the fearful struggle for survival. All was missed until that moment in time, where my world had finally come to an end….where I finally and utterly admitted defeat. That day, on that lonely road, I cried out and the divine within me, met me right where I was. The vision may have only lasted for a flash of time, and when it subsided, I sobbed in pure joy. It was an incredible happening and shifted my trajectory in this human-divine experience called Life.
I am grateful for the circumstances of life that led me to that place and continue to find myself on that same ‘lonely road’…where all the makings of this mind have failed to ‘save’ me. And in humility, if I might once again submit to that ‘something’ beyond the world I have created…beyond the fearful holds and holdings, I come to glimpse the True Comforter within.
My sense is that this is a forever unfolding and that we are graced to consciously release what impedes us and then access Wholeness, Togetherness, Power, Peace, and Freedom. Become a Finder of what is always true and awaiting Love’s embrace.